but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
this just has baby written all over it
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
