I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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