I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
