I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
did i walk over a car last night?
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
sex in a hospital.. check
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
