Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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