but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
My vagina just recognized that song.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Randomize
