My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
