I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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