I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
