She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
