don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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