During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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