Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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