I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
