I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
