Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
