Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
