even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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