She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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