I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
