Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Randomize
