I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
