I think my vagina is haunted
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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