Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Randomize
