took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Shame - the story of my life.
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