your thong is hanging out like whoa
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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