i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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