turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
