i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
