You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
