I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
