Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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