I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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