Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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