Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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