There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Drunk is not a location!
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
