thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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