i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dicks are not precious.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
