I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
