so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
