you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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