youre lurking in front of me
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
