Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
