I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
