i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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