I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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