whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
