He uses pillows to masturbate.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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