Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
