im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
