my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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