he puts the penis in happiness.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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