Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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