Where did you get a picture of my penis
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
