6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
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