Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
