turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
